Already because of COVID-19, my full-time salary is cut by 20% and I'm working 25+ hours of customer support each week. This means less flexibility in my schedule, specifically not being able to work out as much. I feel weaker and more tired, discouraged at my backward progress in pole. Anxiety reigns over any feelings of achievement.
I've been sitting on this blog post draft for several months, and I couldn't figure out why. It dawned on me today that I've been triggered by regret from past sexual trauma (will touch on that later) but it's time I close out these thoughts and push through processing what I've been meaning to write.
I think to myself, "Maybe if I'd gotten into more trouble as a kid or was punished for stupid little things... I'd be better about taking feedback?" Grass is always greener on the other side, so I'm unsure but would love to hear other perspectives on the topic. My college roommates swear by being spanked as a kid, and that just blows my mind.
It's rare that I wake up in the morning and vividly remember the details of my dream, but today it still lingers, hours later. Maybe it's stress. Maybe it's the gummy I ate last night. I'm a huge nerd when it comes to dream analysis... I guess you could say it's a secret guilty pleasure.
My hope with this public blog is to reinforce accountability for growth in my life, encouraging me to process my thoughts and feelings in a healthy manner rather than privately shoving them under a rug and burning it sometime in the future.
After (vaguely) studying several different types of profanity that exist, I believe profanity is EITHER used to put someone down OR not used to put someone down. Regardless of its origin or literal meaning, those are the two high-level intentions I see. Really #$%^ing simple, right? Ultimately I'm imploring a recalibration of our filters so we can react more appropriately to colorful language.
As the "current situation" rages on, I've had an uncomfortable amount of time to reflect on my life. This abundance of thought leads me to revisit my personal blog for some productive emotional processing. Like any good speech or essay, I've condensed my random musings into three ways I've mentally benefited from this crazy COVID-19 quarantine.
It's 3am right now. I slept for 4-5 hours and actually tried going back to sleep, but I was so awake I couldn't. In fact, my body didn't even want caffeine. This was the best I've slept in weeks, maybe months.
I have a complicated relationship with the concept of "vacation." I never went on many as a kid, and I adopted an overly hard-working lifestyle (read: workaholism) from my parents. Before I even started going to school, my days were filled with puzzles and games. I became addicted to this constant mental stimulation.